maybe i've been watching too much Mad Men. and if you have watched the series, you'll know what i mean, they light up at every frame. everybody and anybody smokes in the movie, and at any time of the day.
then there's the flash back of the packet of Malboro on his work desk. his once in a blue moon smoking habit turns me on.
i have been secretly thinking of smoking.
i am waiting for someone to talk me out of it. or into it.
28 March 2011
24 March 2011
love / my not so loveable boyfriend
I have always questioned what love is.
Over the years, i have formed ideas about it, through my own immature and emotionally charged experience; as well as the imagined experience through those around me. Media has helped me construct faint ideas about love too, and they are often insinuate romance, you know, the kind that involves throbbing hearts, sweaty palms, sloppy kisses and a big bunch of roses.
Some of those ideas or preconceived notions were either proven wrong or dropped along the way as i slowly matured. a relationship that promised the ends of the earth fell silent to hard work, distance and unmovable commitment. i soon learned that the loudest promise is not always the most promising one.
However, one thing remains unchanged - the yearning of something solid and steadfast and long lasting. i still long for that. Until now, i still believe that romance exists and should last for eternity.
Which probably explains why i was frustrated and disappointed with my current relationship at an early stage. The kind of romance I had anticipated was seldom if never present in our relationship. He's a man who believes in hard work, in responsibility and perseverance. He won't promise the world, in fact, he'll be the first to promise you that he can't and he won't promise you the world.
I was about to give up, until I had what Oprah Winfrey would call an 'a-ha moment' in terms of this relationship .
We have had ongoing discussions about my future plans. The past few months has been stressful for me, as I am nearing the end of my undergraduate studies. The clock seem to be ticking louder as each day passes, do i apply for my Temporary Residency? If so, how? when? worst, why? We both agreed that we shouldn't take the 'conventional' route of declaring ourselves a de facto couple which would help me get a spousal visa. The last thing I want is for him to think that this relationship was based on that goal. But more than that, I did not want to play the Damsel in Distress and I do not want to depend on men.
Fortunately for me, my current employer offered me a deal that was almost impossible to refuse. They were willing to 'sponsor' my postgraduate studies if I was willing to further study. (by sponsoring, it really means matching my pay to my tuition fees, lodging and basic allowances. I would not be bound to them once I complete my Masters program.
Details of that offer are yet to be ironed out, and at one point, i almost thought it would be aborted due to present circumstances i cannot disclose. But i wasn't the only one gong through the emotional yo-yo. The boyfriend, was even more anxious, pushing me to get the wheels moving, whether it is the Masters offer or my Temporary Residency (TR) application. But what tugged my heartstrings was that he said he could sell his car if he had to, in order to help me.
'Dont leave me alone in Melbourne, ok, fatty?' he texted.
'Well, you'll have lots of other girls to be with anyways,' I teased.
'Don't say that, fatty, I want to live a simple live with you.'
It dawned upon me then, that although we are unlike 'normal' couples my age, even though there aren't many romantic occasions, or candlelight dinners, or sweet talks, he is a teammate that I can rely on no matter what. And perhaps, it is a partnership that will stand the test of time, because it involves a type of love that requires real sacrifice, hard work and executable decisions. And it would be a simple yet fulfilling life indeed.
Over the years, i have formed ideas about it, through my own immature and emotionally charged experience; as well as the imagined experience through those around me. Media has helped me construct faint ideas about love too, and they are often insinuate romance, you know, the kind that involves throbbing hearts, sweaty palms, sloppy kisses and a big bunch of roses.
Some of those ideas or preconceived notions were either proven wrong or dropped along the way as i slowly matured. a relationship that promised the ends of the earth fell silent to hard work, distance and unmovable commitment. i soon learned that the loudest promise is not always the most promising one.
However, one thing remains unchanged - the yearning of something solid and steadfast and long lasting. i still long for that. Until now, i still believe that romance exists and should last for eternity.
Which probably explains why i was frustrated and disappointed with my current relationship at an early stage. The kind of romance I had anticipated was seldom if never present in our relationship. He's a man who believes in hard work, in responsibility and perseverance. He won't promise the world, in fact, he'll be the first to promise you that he can't and he won't promise you the world.
I was about to give up, until I had what Oprah Winfrey would call an 'a-ha moment' in terms of this relationship .
We have had ongoing discussions about my future plans. The past few months has been stressful for me, as I am nearing the end of my undergraduate studies. The clock seem to be ticking louder as each day passes, do i apply for my Temporary Residency? If so, how? when? worst, why? We both agreed that we shouldn't take the 'conventional' route of declaring ourselves a de facto couple which would help me get a spousal visa. The last thing I want is for him to think that this relationship was based on that goal. But more than that, I did not want to play the Damsel in Distress and I do not want to depend on men.
Fortunately for me, my current employer offered me a deal that was almost impossible to refuse. They were willing to 'sponsor' my postgraduate studies if I was willing to further study. (by sponsoring, it really means matching my pay to my tuition fees, lodging and basic allowances. I would not be bound to them once I complete my Masters program.
Details of that offer are yet to be ironed out, and at one point, i almost thought it would be aborted due to present circumstances i cannot disclose. But i wasn't the only one gong through the emotional yo-yo. The boyfriend, was even more anxious, pushing me to get the wheels moving, whether it is the Masters offer or my Temporary Residency (TR) application. But what tugged my heartstrings was that he said he could sell his car if he had to, in order to help me.
'Dont leave me alone in Melbourne, ok, fatty?' he texted.
'Well, you'll have lots of other girls to be with anyways,' I teased.
'Don't say that, fatty, I want to live a simple live with you.'
It dawned upon me then, that although we are unlike 'normal' couples my age, even though there aren't many romantic occasions, or candlelight dinners, or sweet talks, he is a teammate that I can rely on no matter what. And perhaps, it is a partnership that will stand the test of time, because it involves a type of love that requires real sacrifice, hard work and executable decisions. And it would be a simple yet fulfilling life indeed.
20 March 2011
for japan
dear japan (and whom it concerns)
i have not been unsympathetic to your plight, even though your pain has never been brought up here. the post containing these messages has been deleted by accident. still, i have friends who are now in Japan and Japanese friends who are in Australia and though i cannot fathom how it actually feels like to lose everything in a blink of an eye, i do sympathize. But knowing you, you will get back up on your feet in no time.
i however, do not have the same confidence in my mother and and my ancestor's motherland. the former was made a laughing stock worldwide by the foolishness of our Prime Minister's wife. Offering no condolences, she had to add salt to your people's wound by saying that this natural tragedy ought to be a lesson to embrace eco-friendliness. Someone had obviously injected too much botox and a deadly poisonous substance known as ego.
the latter also proved disappointing when a sizeable community started laughing and pointing finger at you. those who still seethingly hate you for your pst wrong, and those who are brought up to do so. at a time like this, to make those jeering comments seem highly childish, unsophisticated and insensitive to me. what is worrying is that amongst them are leaders of the future. i see no leadership qualities other than selfishness.
still, stay strong Japan. and while some extremist nationlists might condemn this act of support, i can only say, open your eyes wide, this is reality. and we live in a globalized world, where one nation's crisis can have a domino effect on the others. besides, when your neighbour's house is burning down, do you stand there and laugh? do you say it's their fault and they should learn from their mistakes?i think that's exactly what they are doing.
i have not been unsympathetic to your plight, even though your pain has never been brought up here. the post containing these messages has been deleted by accident. still, i have friends who are now in Japan and Japanese friends who are in Australia and though i cannot fathom how it actually feels like to lose everything in a blink of an eye, i do sympathize. But knowing you, you will get back up on your feet in no time.
i however, do not have the same confidence in my mother and and my ancestor's motherland. the former was made a laughing stock worldwide by the foolishness of our Prime Minister's wife. Offering no condolences, she had to add salt to your people's wound by saying that this natural tragedy ought to be a lesson to embrace eco-friendliness. Someone had obviously injected too much botox and a deadly poisonous substance known as ego.
the latter also proved disappointing when a sizeable community started laughing and pointing finger at you. those who still seethingly hate you for your pst wrong, and those who are brought up to do so. at a time like this, to make those jeering comments seem highly childish, unsophisticated and insensitive to me. what is worrying is that amongst them are leaders of the future. i see no leadership qualities other than selfishness.
still, stay strong Japan. and while some extremist nationlists might condemn this act of support, i can only say, open your eyes wide, this is reality. and we live in a globalized world, where one nation's crisis can have a domino effect on the others. besides, when your neighbour's house is burning down, do you stand there and laugh? do you say it's their fault and they should learn from their mistakes?i think that's exactly what they are doing.
19 March 2011
10 March 2011
08 March 2011
my mantra
earlier this year, i stumbled upon this phrase in a Chinese Vogue magazine and it has stuck with me ever since.
i remember feeling it resonate with how i felt at the moment.
for the past two years, i constantly feel like i've fallen off a horse and i have been trying to come back ever since.
this phrase somehow happens to be the theme of my life currently. I feel like i'm in a constant battle everyday to find that balance and strength. i have to keep my heads down and work hard. it's been a long wait and i have to wait a little longer. but if i bite my tongue, and continue to work towards that dream, i believe, i will be taken off the benches and send to the field to play.
“后台。 等待，磨练， 寻找平衡和力量的漫长时光。”
04 March 2011
mailbox - メールボックス
i've been thinking hard about adopting the habit of writing letters again lately. i think the advent of social network media has weaned us from the novelty of receiving letters through snail mail. The accessibility to a close one's live is only a click away, where you can blatantly read their up to date accounts of their lives, and pore over their photos of recent activities. Yet these exchange are only random and instantaneous, they do not require deep thinking and reflect, and involves very minimal heart to heart conversations.
nothing, nothing to me will ever replace paper bound - coded texts, otherwise known as books, or paper form of letters and cards, especially not when they are as cute and beautiful as these...
i hope these cards find you well, my loved ones. and i'm keen on this project, even if it's a postcard, if anyone's interested in receiving Melburnian postcards in your mailbox from time to time, please pop me your address here!
i don't know what you did last summer
summer of 2010 has more or less come to an end. i can sense its demise in the random cold spells of Melbourne's erratic weather.
and so comes this horrifying time of the year when you have to introduce yourself to the entire class again, though the person next to you, whom have been in the same tutes as you for the past two years can tell you what your favourite and unfavoured movies/singers/bands/books are, and what you see yourself to be in ten years time, or how you killed your pet hamster when you were six... still, tutors love this 'Introduction Game' and they make us do it every semester.
Worst still, some tutors christian you with adorable nicknames based on the humiliating story you've innocently revealed to 20 'i-really-don't-give-a-shit' looking people in a tiny confined space, that looks like a futuristic game show (yes our classrooms have five plasma TVs, one at each corner). like 'Hannah Banana' because she likes bananas (Gawd how did they even make it rhyme?), Cheyenne USA (pronounced as 'Sha-NAY') because Cheyenne went to the US over the summer, or Crystal Clear, because it's a lame name and that's all i could think of when the ball was passed to me. Another annoying question is, 'Tell Us An Interesting Thing About You' , well if i have to tell it to you, i wouldn't be that interesting after all, would i?
I've lost count of how many times I've recycled my 'well...i spent the first night here in Melbourne sleeping on the benches in the airport...'
Do you encounter the same problem at uni or school? What type of Self - Introductory questions do you hate most?
And...Happy Back To School/Uni!!
and so comes this horrifying time of the year when you have to introduce yourself to the entire class again, though the person next to you, whom have been in the same tutes as you for the past two years can tell you what your favourite and unfavoured movies/singers/bands/books are, and what you see yourself to be in ten years time, or how you killed your pet hamster when you were six... still, tutors love this 'Introduction Game' and they make us do it every semester.
Worst still, some tutors christian you with adorable nicknames based on the humiliating story you've innocently revealed to 20 'i-really-don't-give-a-shit' looking people in a tiny confined space, that looks like a futuristic game show (yes our classrooms have five plasma TVs, one at each corner). like 'Hannah Banana' because she likes bananas (Gawd how did they even make it rhyme?), Cheyenne USA (pronounced as 'Sha-NAY') because Cheyenne went to the US over the summer, or Crystal Clear, because it's a lame name and that's all i could think of when the ball was passed to me. Another annoying question is, 'Tell Us An Interesting Thing About You' , well if i have to tell it to you, i wouldn't be that interesting after all, would i?
I've lost count of how many times I've recycled my 'well...i spent the first night here in Melbourne sleeping on the benches in the airport...'
Do you encounter the same problem at uni or school? What type of Self - Introductory questions do you hate most?
And...Happy Back To School/Uni!!
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