善忘鱼

已经忘了你是什么时候走的。
也不懂你现在在哪 里。
已经不重要了。

因为爱你，所以选择当一条善忘鱼。

bondi, sydney 16.12.11

i love this photo of mum.

leaving on a jet plane

nearly three years ago, i wrote a post with the same title, implying a similar subject matter. then, three years younger and more naive, i was about to board a plane alone, leaving behind a red-eyed mother, a (then) disappointed father, and a watchful brother.( and oh, that motherf&#ker). back then, that departure felt more like an atonement than an adventure. the look on my dear father's face etched deep in my head, like a tattoo to remind me of what i must do to redeem myself.

three years ahead.  i find myself standing in that departure gate once more, only this time it's not me who's boarding the plane, but friends who had joined me three years ago. and i am writing this post now to offer an explaination omn why i am staying behind.  and it's not about the politics, it's about the money, and it's not about following the tide. the reason is this, i want to make something out of my own hands too. and yes, you may say i can do it just the same back home in Malaysia. and that is true, i agree. but that home feels like a nest that has been built by my parents. and i want to try to make a nest of my own. melbourne may not necessarily be my final 'home'. the idea of a home , to me, is so fluid. a home to me now, is where my parents and brother are. ten years from now, it would be where my husband and chidlren are. it's not a geographic location. it's an attachment.

i also want my parents to be able to semi-retire here, to fulfill their dream.

not that i think you should take the same path as me. not at all... in fact, i regret and second doubt this decision on average, 5 minutes per day. especially when i think about my friends and family. but once that 5 minutes is gone, i know i have to roll up my sleeves and continue to plough.

another you...i have not given up on my dream. it's just that dream has altered a bit and i'm pulling all my resources to this dream. so i thank you for your encouragement and your constant nudge, but until i find a way to balance things out, you wont be seeing me on CNN and that does not mean that i'm not fighting, because as far as i know...the fight had started, three years ago.

blessed christmas

i know there is no direct relation between this cherry and christmas but it reminds me of the christmas decoration that we used to put up at home. correction. that I used to put up back home

.

christmas used to be filled with endless thanksgiving, church parties and prayer meets, Christmas trees and decorations, Christmas-themed movies, and episodes of tv series; presents that xiu and i would make/bake on our own for friends. (remember the year where we sewed stuffed animals using old socks? you, ana and teddy stayed over at my place?) 

as i got older, dad made it a point to go on holidays every christmas...be it Penang or Phuket. not all of them were fun. i remembered one that almost...tested the institution of faith, family and marriage...and almost everything that Christmas represents. anyway. that was then. 

this year, i got to spend it with an extended family - ana's aunt. strangers became my only connection to a very distant Christmas.

and though turkey was replaced by steamboat, egg nogs replaced by wine, candy stick by ciggies, i will remember this christmas for a long long time...

the true meaning of Christmas is so lost in the world today. it is no longer about the birth of Christ but of presents, over-eating, christmas carols, Santa...and in Australia, HUGE boxing day sales... i am not preaching nor am i against the festivities and the bonding that we could definitely use in the name of Christmas... i just realised how far back has the leading character, the true focus of Christmas has been pushed behind. Does anyone remember that Christmas is about the birth of Christ? because i certainly have....for a second there...

i promise to remember to go to church christmas next year.

cherry hill 15.12.11

 

 

 

the cherries weren't very sweet and big but it was fun seeing daddy running off* with his little red bucket, picking cherries off the tree like a wide-eyed kid. and mum being the mother, showing off her cherry-picking skills, and warning us of pesticides**. and me laughing at bro for his lack of cherry picking skills - because his bucket was full of bright red cherries***. and daphne kidding around with bro, like the postcard perfect couple.

* he did not exactly 'ran' off...but he did disappeared very quickly into the bushes...

** ... to no avail. we kept eating them fresh off the tree.

*** tip from me: u should always pick the dark red coloured cherries. they are sweeter and juicier.

the art of (coping) losing

it was 7am in the morning. two days before Christmas. less than a week after our third graduation together.

she spoke casually as i leaned over the kitchen sink, about her dad's reaction when she announced that she was going home after all.

i tipped my mug over, and watched as my black tea slowly stained the kitchen sink.

she laughed, slightly nervously, as she tried to illustrate her plans for the very near future.

i laughed nervously too, making sure my heavy heart wouldn't sink too low.

someone once predicted that i'd feel the way i felt then, many times over. but he left out tips on how to cope.

as the cold running water washed away the tea, i wondered silently if it was too late to spend too much time with one of the three people who were there for the most part of my life.

i wonder if she could tell that i was acting cool in the heat of the moment.

and though i'll never say this to her in person, i wonder if she knows that no matter what she chooses to do or be, i'll be happy for her, and that i did not steal this line off a lame hallmark card.

i'll miss being able to call and talk nonsense with you, ana s.

captain haddock

i thought i'd wait till i get my new laptop before i started blogging again but there's a lot going through my mind lately. i decided to skip dinner tonight and stay back in the office to type this out.

i tend to think a lot at this time of the year. maybe it has something to do with year-end festive spirits. Christmas. a time for thanksgiving and reflection and all that.

firstly, i will be graduating next week. and i'm not sure why, but this event or even saying it out loud does not make me excited...or at least, as excited as i should be. maybe it's because i know i'll be back in uni again next year, maybe it's because i've been working/studying since day one and hence the 'transition' anxiety from uni to workplace does not quite apply to me...

that said, my anxiety about the future does not cease. as soon as i handed in my masters of accounting application form, i walked out of the office, dragging my feet behind me. i remember thinking, 'God it's all in your hands now' i don't know how i'm gonna make it through, i just know i will. and i texted the bf. and the partner gave me this lengthy motivating speech and said, 'i love you, xiaopang' at the end of it. now, anyone who knows the bf knows that i'll probably have to skin him alive to get him to say things like that...so i was shocked. and touched.
(note:we almost killed each other 3 days later but more on that later)

watched The Adventures of Tintin when i was back home in Malaysia and a quote from that movie stuck with me. I won't spoil it for those who have not seen it yet but here's what Captain Haddock said to Tintin when the boy journo was about to give up:

"There are plenty of others willing to call you a failure. A fool. A loser. Don't you ever say it of yourself. You send out the wrong signal, that is what people pick up. Don't you understand? You care about something, you fight for it. You hit a wall, you push through it. There's something you need to know about failure, Tintin. You can never let it defeat you."

- Captain Haddock, 'The Adventures of Tintin' 2011


It's been my mantra. The fuel that keeps me going, and the fact that everything's gonna be alright because i still have faith in God.