leaving on a jet plane

nearly three years ago, i wrote a post with the same title, implying a similar subject matter. then, three years younger and more naive, i was about to board a plane alone, leaving behind a red-eyed mother, a (then) disappointed father, and a watchful brother.( and oh, that motherf&#ker). back then, that departure felt more like an atonement than an adventure. the look on my dear father's face etched deep in my head, like a tattoo to remind me of what i must do to redeem myself.

three years ahead.  i find myself standing in that departure gate once more, only this time it's not me who's boarding the plane, but friends who had joined me three years ago. and i am writing this post now to offer an explaination omn why i am staying behind.  and it's not about the politics, it's about the money, and it's not about following the tide. the reason is this, i want to make something out of my own hands too. and yes, you may say i can do it just the same back home in Malaysia. and that is true, i agree. but that home feels like a nest that has been built by my parents. and i want to try to make a nest of my own. melbourne may not necessarily be my final 'home'. the idea of a home , to me, is so fluid. a home to me now, is where my parents and brother are. ten years from now, it would be where my husband and chidlren are. it's not a geographic location. it's an attachment.

i also want my parents to be able to semi-retire here, to fulfill their dream.

not that i think you should take the same path as me. not at all... in fact, i regret and second doubt this decision on average, 5 minutes per day. especially when i think about my friends and family. but once that 5 minutes is gone, i know i have to roll up my sleeves and continue to plough.

another you...i have not given up on my dream. it's just that dream has altered a bit and i'm pulling all my resources to this dream. so i thank you for your encouragement and your constant nudge, but until i find a way to balance things out, you wont be seeing me on CNN and that does not mean that i'm not fighting, because as far as i know...the fight had started, three years ago.