it's alive!

i am apologetic for the very melancholic tone of this blog. i have a feeling it will be so the next couple of weeks...

sometimes i feel like this pain has a life. i can feel it breathing through my lungs, feeding off my nutrition. Growing in size, everyday, with every impromptu appearance you make, with every rabbit you seem to pull out of your magician's hat, with every smile you seem to smile, or laugh you seem to laugh to hide your pain.

so sad to see...why we have to end up like this.

why

I finally got your attention, when i don't need it anymore ... ... ...

beautiful ugliness

this rapture, this angst, this humiliation, this struggle, this corruption, this pull-apart, this mourning, this anxiety, this anger, this frustration, this pain, this yearning, this self loathing, this sense of lost, this tearing apart, this shame......

these ugliness, so endearing, so beautiful. 

brown maple leaves

 photography by by dickie pea (flickr, 2010) who said "i like seeing maple leaves that have held on as long as march. that takes some tree balls".

i could show you if i had my camera with me.
those brown maple leaves.
me and my knitted cardigan and big yellow chunky scarf
and knee high boots, and a box of nippy's chocolate milk
standing there in the middle of nowhere, staring at
those brown maple leaves.

they came from some place high
high up a tree, once green, once happy
now they're fallen, wilted and dry
those brown maple leaves.

i can't remember how long i stood
staring at them, performing a burial for them
tears streaming down my cheeks

oh you poor brown maple leaf.

 

stuck

it's hard to feel happy lately. and when i mean happy i actually mean the feeling of joy and glee. i am bored, unexcited, frustrated at times. and i turn to you, and you seem to yawn too, but it doesn't seem to bother you as much it does to me. something took a turn somewhere along the way, and i can put my finger on it, i just don't know whose fault it is.

it wasn't meant to be like this.  but you seem to be happy.

indifference

Osama bin Laden died, right after the future King of English weds his future Queen, right after the Big Brothers find themselves in a humiliatingly ugly mess in Libya,  right after a Tsunami changed the fate of millions of lives in the Land of the Rising Sun, right after the world paused to contemplate if Julian Assange is a hero or villain...

I often step back and watch as the world gets on with her life like a mad lunatic. One minute she's drunk at a wedding of someone she barely knows, the next minute she's fighting a war and the next minute she's crying over the lives lost in a natural catastrophe... And while she goes through all the tirade, flailing her arms at one point, I stare at her with a blank face, not being able to keep up most of the time.

I want to share her pain, but i can't, when I have my own knots to untie. I want to reach out to the people in Japan, to give them a loaf of bread, but i hesitate when there's hungry people in my own backyard. And i can't help but feel like we are slowly being trapped by a fear bubble, driven by the media, with its horrifying images and captions like terrorism, crisis, tragedy, catastrophe...

I am  not indifferent, I am not selfish. I am just a bit overwhelmed.


***


This, on the other hand is quite funny. I would've summoned my private jet to fly me out of that place if I were Trump. Like,lift me up straight from where I was sitting. You've got to salute the President for slapping his potential competitor (and a big-mouthed, shallow one too) down like that.